El Jefe is ready to serve his country
Once upon a time it was an honour to serve queen and country with distinction and honour. That was until El Jefe came along. Step aside Harry.
During a recent, exhausting run of unemployed ennui, I found myself contemplating a career in the armed forces, rubbing epauletted shoulders with the royals. Though, when I say “I found myself” and “contemplating” my intention is not to hoodwink you into believing that I have any sense of patriotism, discipline or valour. I “found myself” in the local TA centre after a decidedly heavy Jaegerneister tasting evening in the local Wheatsheaf (rest assured the findings will be published later when the notes eventually turn up).
I was accosted by a one-armed recruiting sergeant
But I digress. Needless to say, that morning I had no intention of continuing the El Jefe family tradition of fighting for queen and country. However, in my haste to find a u-bend to greet the Jaeger’s triumphant return I had accidentally wandered into the recruitment centre of the Tooting TA Royal Hussars where upon I was accosted by a one-armed recruiting sergeant. On spotting me I was tipsily, herded into a corner, and subjected to an aggressive recruiting spiel. My defence mechanism in these high pressure situations is usually to black out for a while, though I do remember voicing reservations about “feeling” a man, exercise, “Apocalypse Now” and the fact that he seemed to have mislaid one of him limbs at some point in his military career. Did I mention he had one arm? For me, this still remains a fairly important detail.
Perhaps it was the offer of money, a spanking new uniform and the opportunity to regale the ladies with my valiant, fictional deeds...
That being said, I must have come round to the idea at some point. Perhaps it was the offer of money, a spanking new uniform and the opportunity to regale the ladies with my valiant, fictional deeds involving taking on the whole of the Taleban with nothing but a blunt fork and a stiff upper-lip. In any case, I now seem to be a fully-fledged weekend warrior. A heart-breaker and life-taker (in my spare time). My intention now is to secure a fighting position at an adjoining desk to Lieutenant Wales.
But at least I’m not in the Naval reserve with all the obvious connections to the Village People. - El Jefe
