El Jefe searches for Valentines lovin
Looking to get laid on the most romantic night of the year? So is El Jefe.
The festival of St. Valentine looms into view once more, bringing with it a flurry of activity amongst the male population. Those with girlfriend’s thumb prints firmly creased on to their heads are mercilessly trawling the local ladies boutiques, desperately seeking a gift that could bring about one of those pitifully remote chances of getting some.
I can sympathetically reflect back to my less than gallant days, which involved feverishly flipping through the jewelry section of the Argos, desperately searching for a shiny bargain from Hallmark or Elizabeth Duke. I can never disparage these actions as “getting some” is one of the more noble pursuits that a red blooded male can partake in. One leader of this field is of course Sigmund Freud. If old Sigmund taught us anything about beards, psychology and women, it was that Woman is a complex and neurotic mess. I’m sure that he exploited this information himself, and got a lot of Viennese fanny in his time.
If old Sigmund taught us anything about beards, psychology and women, it was that Woman is a complex and neurotic mess...
That being said, a few pearls of wisdom are owed to those members of the male public that are sane enough to stay unattached during this day of high pollen counts and overpriced meals.
On this momentous day females tend to gather in insecure flocks in pubs and clubs to drink heavily and reassure each other that they aren’t going to die a lonely spinster with a large menagerie of cats. And torn apart by the fact that they will be spending this most romantic of nights alone, a madness will consume them. They tend to latch on to fellows that usually grace the lower rungs of the evolutionary ladder (like yours truly). I enjoy riding this crest, alongside specimens the tide wouldn’t even take out.
So I implore you lucky, happy few that are still in possession of healthy, succubus free bank accounts to musk up with a splash of a heavily pheromone laced aftershave (“Faithful Old Sailor’s Pleasure” £0.99, Pound City). Don your tightest “Girl bait” slacks and strut around town like the alpha males you are preying on this untapped resource of young, old, innocent and confused.
However, if light is not your friend it may be wise to choose establishments with a good deal of mood lighting as this will cover a multitude of sins. But be warned this can work both ways so it is wise to have an escape route planned.
If light is not your friend it may be wise to choose establishments with a good deal of mood lighting as this will cover a multitude of sins
The ladies should hang onto every word of the inane, rubbish chat you care to spout. But embellishing your career slightly can do no harm and will work wonders for your manly allure. Choose wisely, as you may need to bluff at some point and it can be easy to fall flat on your face. I usually work for NASA, and if pressed I can regale my dates with my manly tales of my work as the voice of the countdown for the Cape Canaveral launch site. This usually results with my targets looking at me with naïve misty eyed glee and ignoring the fact that I do not know how many planets there are in the solar system.
So chaps, on this day the Prada pump is on the other pedicured foot and as a rule, the girls will listen to your imbecilic chat and laugh at your appalling jokes. If you play your cards right, bedroom gymnastics can be just around the corner. Of course this will require enough liquor to turn you into a charm dripping machine and the day after will obviously bring the usual duo of Jack Hammer Head aches and her shame.
